The Mahjong of Itsuki Koizumi
by Egalisator
Summary: Playing a board game against God is the only way to resolve the romantic subplot and save the world! Featuring energy beams being used to cheat, and lots of random anime references.
1. Chapter 1

This is a Crossover between "The Legend of Koizumi", which has no category here (yet) and the Haruhi Suzumiya series.

You do not have to have read "The Legend of Koizumi" or even know the Rules of Mahjong to follow this Story. You should have read "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya" or watched the first Season of the Anime, though.

For those not familiar with it: "The Legend of Koizumi" is a comedy manga where world politics are decided by over-the-top Mahjong games. Superpowers are being being used to cheat at regular basis. It's awesome. The main character is former Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi (still in office in this story, as it plays before the events of the manga).

Should go without saying: This work is a noncommercial parody. "The Legend of Koizumi" is owned by Hideki Ohwada, Takeshobo and TYO Animations. the "Haruhi Suzumiya" Series is owned by Nagaru Tanigawa, Kadokawa Shoten and Kyoto Animation. Other works that get parodied are not owned by me either. This is a work of fiction, no actual japanese towns were destroyed during its creation and no celebrities or anime characters were hurt, traumatised or badly referenced... except the ones that were.

* * *

><p>Four years ago, I just suddenly <em>knew<em> it. That I had these powers. That it was _her_ who caused all of this. That the fate, even the very existance of the world depended on this.

Since that day, I have been hunting blue giants in grey worlds whenever _she_ was depressed, and generally doing my part in the organization of people like me. Working for a globally operating secret society like that, I learned many things that normal people must never know: God is most likely a japanese schoolgirl, not aware of her own powers. Aliens and time-travelers exist and pursue their own goals shrouded in mystery. World politics is dominated by Mahjong cheaters.

Wait, one of those feels out of place...

Yes, that's right. Of course our organization needed to have political influence, to protect Earth against these aliens and time travelers that are also observing that certain schoolgirl, Miss Haruhi Suzumiya. So we had to get really good at Mahjong. Since I was Japanese and the same age as her, I was destined to ultimately play Mahjong against god herself, ever since that fateful day four years ago.

Being remotely related to Japans most accomplished player, Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi, further raised the enormous expectations placed upon me. It was decided I would later go to the same high school as Miss Suzumiya and befriend her, keeping her from finding anything out as long as possible. Mahjong wagers would be one of the last resorts. Since Miss Suzumiya has been showing an obsessive interest in the supernatural, it was most likely that those wagers would be the revelation of secrets.

Instead of a normal middle school, I was educated at a private school owned by one of our wealthier members. They changed their schedules to account for the needs of young espers (like having to fight in other dimensions at random times, always with the world on the line), and also trained us in the important art of cheating at Mahjong.

Shortly after enrolling at that school, PM Koizumi, who had been let in on these secrets (well he already knew the Mahjong part, of course), personally paid us a visit. He taught us the important lesson that if you are unable to prevent the opponent from cheating, you'll just have to cheat even more. To prove that, the PM walked between multiple tables and beat all the students with his signature Mahjong hand, the Rising Sun. Some students claimed that the incredibly low probability of having the same hand that often was prrof of cheating, but I was the one to point out that for actual proof, the probability would have to be zero. Thus, we would have to reveal the actual cheating method. Mr. Koizumi applauded the first part of my insight, but told us that many world class players are so incredibly lucky that they do not need an actual cheating method to cheat, and accusations of cheating are often ignored even if there _is_ proof. We _had _to be the more extreme cheaters to win.

After a year of hard training, I started playing against world-class opponents. While I was losing at first, they definitely saw potential in me. In the course of another year, I became one of the Organizations most successful negotiators. My greatest accomplishment was winning against President George W. Bush, though I never got to the level of his father... and thinking of my match with Vladimir Putin still causes a chill to run down my spine.

A few weeks before starting high school, I was summoned before Pope John Paul II and we had the following conversation:

Pope: Welcome, son.

Me: What gives me this extraordinary honor, Your Eminence?

Pope: I hear you are chosen to be the closest observer of Haruhi Suzumiya. That must be quite a heavy burden.

Me: I cannot deny that. I'll give my best, but it _is_ hard to tell what will happen.

Pope: Some in your Organization seem to actually believe that she is... God. Don't worry, I will not lecture you on that now. I believe I have made clear where the church stands on that matter. But whatever she may be, Haruhi Suzuniya certainly is a threat if her mental stability does not improve. I believe that her entering into a happy, fulfilled marriage would be a good way to accomplish that.

Me: Are you suggesting _I_ should marry her?

Pope: No! It has to be a union out of mutual love. In your position, not only will you gain insight into her personality, but you could also meet male students that may be suited for her.

Me: I see... That's not a bad plan, really.

Pope: However, it appears that she is... displaying aggressive behavior to hide her feelings quite often. I believe that in Japan, you would call her a "Tsundere"?

Me: Yes. That seems like quite the hurdle.

Pope: If god wants two people to be together, HE will make it clear to them if the two form a Mahjong team.

Me: Well while I don't believe in your god, you do make a good point... Relying on each other like that should show if two people are really suited for each other.

Pope: I am glad you agree. Pass it along to your associates.

Me: I certainly will.

Pope: Now since you will be playing against an opponent that is most likely exempt from many of Gods laws, facing the best of those who abide by those laws is the only possible preparation. PREPARE YOURSELF!

The Pope opened the match recreating Genesis with Mahjong tiles, and I lost consciousness being hit with so much Mahjong power. After waking up in a hospital, I managed to convince most members of the Organization to follow John Paul II's plan, changed a bit by removing some limits placed by christian doctrine. Prime Minister Koizumi also had a hand in it, and ultimately even requested to be my partner in the all-decisive game. Naturally I gladly accepted. We named the revised plan "Operation: God really needs to get laid".

Never would I have guessed that Miss Suzumiya would show genuine interest in a boy as early as she did. The creation of the SOS Brigade came as a shock to us at first, but over time she became a lot more stable and life for us espers a lot more easy thanks to him, whom she always calls by his nickname Kyon. I have to say, I genuinely enjoyed the Brigade activities, and consider every member a dear friend. However, I still need to follow the plan.

Miss Suzumiyas true gaming skills can hardly be assessed without taking a huge risk and forcing her to use her powers. Her excelling in all the schools clubs is not exactly a sign of incompetence, though. As for Kyon, I played all kinds of games against him, letting him win all the time to hide my gaming skills. He certainly is a bright young man able to learn rules and strategies very fast. We made sure to have a Mahjong table at the mansion where I orchestrated the Brigades first murder mystery, and finally both quarreling love interests played the game. It was no team game, of course, and since it was for observation purposes only I once again let them win. Miss Suzumiya displayed extraordinary luck and won the game. That was to be expected of a powerful reality warper who hates losing. Much more surprising was the passion the normally easygoing Kyon displayed for Mahjong. I must say I envy him a bit to be chosen by such a charming and interesting girl, but I definitely am happy to have a friend like him.

After leaving them more than a year of time to get used to each other, the day of the showdown had arrived.


	2. Chapter 2

If the fate of the world depends on something, it can be hard to talk about it casually... well in this clubroom, that's become normal. Miss Asahina and Miss Nagato had both been informed of our plans in a meeting earlier.

Kyon: Checkmate! Come on Koizumi, you should have gotten better by now.

Me: Maybe I should start reading books on the games we play... Miss Nagato, could you recommend me a few later?

Yuki (looking up from her book for only a second): Yes.

Kyon: Miss Asahina, could I have another cup? It's especially good today.

Mikuru (smiling brightly): Sure!

(Kyon put on a content smile as well. As Miss Suzumiya noticed that and looked a bit upset, I decided this would be the time to strike.)

Me: You know, I've noticed something...

Kyon: What is it?

(Miss Asahina poured him tea.)

Kyon: Ah, thanks.

Me: Well our dear brigade leader seems to get... a bit uneasy when she sees you look at girls.

(Kyon spat, showering the table with tea.)

Haruhi (blushing): W... What? That's... that's only because it's distracting him from Brigade activities!

Me: He seems to be the only one for whom you are actively enforcing that policy...

Kyon (coughing since tea got in his air pipe): Koizumi, this is dangerous! And I'll be the one she'll make suffer for it!

Haruhi (with an evil grin): Damn right you are! Koizumi, it's because the rest of you guy aren't perverts like him.

Kyon: Or you!

Haruhi: Everyone knows that perverts get distracted much more than normal people!

This was it. The last chance to back down.

Me: I think you two would make a nice couple.

Kyon: No way!

Haruhi: Absolutely no way!

Mikuru (startled by all the excitement): Well... I think so too.

Kyon: Koizumi, I will never forgive you!

Haruhi: Kyon, did you set him up to this? Is this your twisted way of asking me out?

Kyon: No! What... I don't even... Why would I do something like that?

Haruhi: Because you're a dirty pervert!

Me: Still looks like you'd be a great couple to me.

(They both gave me death glares now.)

How about we settle it with a bet? We play a game, and if I lose, I'll never bring this up again. Miss Asahina, you'd have to do the same I assume.

Mikuru: Yeah... I don't... want to be glared at like that.

Kyon: I would never...

Haruhi: Cut that out already! So what if you win?

Me: The two of you would have to go on... let's say, ten dates together.

Kyon: You're kidding, right?

Haruhi: One! But you really have to keep quiet after we beat you!

Me: I will. Seven!

Kyon: Hey, I don't want to... she's not listening to me, is she?

Haruhi: That's way too many. Seven dates with that guy would bore me so much I actually might do something stupid!

Me: So... you are acknowledging the possibility of "doing something stupid" with him. Five!

Kyon (blushing slightly): I told you she's a pervert.

Haruhi: No... that's not what I... I just said that without thinking...

(An awkward silence set in as Kyon and Miss Suzumiya took "avoiding eye contact" so far they basically turned in opposite directions.)

...

Haruhi: I guess I could live through three. Barely.

(She only turned towards us a little, but it looked like her face had taken on a light shade of red now.)

Kyon: Come on Haruhi, he will get tired of annoying us with this pretty fast. We don't have to do this.

Me (putting on my special smile for situations like this): You think so?

Kyon: Too close! Too creepy! ... Well since I always beat you at games anyway... Depends on which one we will play.

Me: How about two-on-two Mahjong?

Kyon: Hmmm... I have to say, Haruhi really curb-stomped us when we played on that Island. It was mostly luck, but still.

Haruhi: Yeah, we can totally take him! Who will be your partner, Koizumi? (Evil grin towards Mikuru) Since Mikuru was agreeing with you...

Mikuru: No, I'm really no good at games like that!

Me: I'll find someone, don't worry.

Kyon: You're planning to cheat, aren't you? I think a referee should be there... Nagato, you've been quiet as usual. Whose side are you on in this matter?

Yuki: None.

Kyon: Could you make sure no one cheats then?

Yuki: Yes.

Me: I'm ok with that. I assure you that I don't plan on cheating.

(Come on, it's the fate of the world!)

Kyon: Riiight. I'm sure we'll play at a Mahjong table one of your colleagues owns... but as long as Nagato is there, I'm fine with it.

Me: That's it exactly.

Kyon: Miss Ashina, I suspect the match is going to be quite stressful... could you serve tea there as well?

Mikuru: Of course. I don't want to Miss this!

Haruhi: I'm starting to actually look forward to this. I mean Mahjong sure is fun, and there's no way we'll lose! (Happy smile) Right, Kyon?

Kyon (blushing a bit and scratching the back of his head): Yeah... (Smiling back and making a thumbs-up) I'll make damn sure I don't have to date you!

Three dates should do the trick for those two, if the Mahjong itself does not suffice. I sure hope the world does not get destroyed in the process. Kyon naturally asked justified questions about what the hell I was thinking, and I actually told him: That a relationship between him and Miss Suzumiya would be a good thing for the safety of the world. And for the two of them as well.


	3. Chapter 3

We met up in front of the mansion of a fellow Organization member.

Kyon: Looks like I'm not the last one to arrive this time...

Me: My partner is already inside.

Haruhi: Don't worry Kyon, there will be no penalty. Unless you make us lose...

Kyon: Don't make me think about _that_! So Koizumi, is it someone we know?

Me: You... could say that. Let's go in.

Haruhi: Nice place.

Kyon: Somehow I have a bad feeling about this teammate...

(His jaw dropped when said teammate appeared.)

Koizumi: Hi.

Haruhi: Hi! Looks like this will be a lot of fun.

Mikuru: Pp-Prime Minister!

Kyon: What the... It's an honor to meet you, sir, but...

(Miss Nagato just nodded her head very slightly. I believe that is her way of showing respect.)

Koizumi: No need to be so formal. I am here to play Mahjong with you as equal opponents, after all.

Kyon: Equal? I've heard stories about how good you are. Did Kozumi - I mean our friend... (hesitant) Itsuki over there - tell you that we have bet on this game?

Koizumi: I know about that date thing. Finding the best teammate you can is not cheating, you know. If anything, it's strange that you're opposed to going out with such a beautiful young lady in the first place.

Haruhi (blushing): Well it's not weird that _I_ am opposed to that!

Me: You should give Kyon more credit...

Koizumi: Kyon?

Kyon: It's a nickname everyone uses without my permission. My real name is...

Haruhi: Who cares about that? How did you convince the prime Minister to play with us anyway? Are you related or something?

Me: First cousins once removed. The famous "tattoo minister" Matajiro Koizumi was his grandfather as well as my great-grandfather. Our blood relation is only...

Yuki: 3.125%

Me: Thanks.

Kyon: By the way, shouldn't there be an escort convoy or something?

Koizumi: I'm here undercover, so to speak. Just helping out a distant relative in my free time.

Kyon: I have great personal respect for you, but I'd be happier if you didn't...

Koizumi: Let's settle this on the Mahjong table then!

(We started playing. If nothing unexpected would happen, we should be able to win this with luck and skill at the game alone. If it came down to it, cheating without Miss Nagato noticing would be extremely risky, but still possible.)

Haruhi: The PMs discard pattern looks like he's going for a rising sun. Kyon, we have to declare Riichi first!

Kyon: I know... After we beat them we can go our seperate ways. Your turn.

Miss Suzumiya discarded a Pāsou tile.

Kyon: Ron!

Koizumi: I see, that Pāsou tile does look a bit like two people turning away from each other. You must really trust your girlfriend a lot since you had absolutely no doubt she would take that hint!

Kyon: SHE IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND! Double Yakuman Daisushii!

Me: Wow, that's quite some luck!

(After that first round, we slowly started catching up, but they certainly did not make it easy for us.)

Haruhi: Nevermind the bet, Kyon, if we can beat the legendary Junichiro Koizumi that will be so awesome!

Kyon: You... wouldn't mind...

Haruhi: I'm just saying, let's win!

(It was my turn... if I have read their hands right, this should be interesting. I discarded an Īsou tile.)

(They looked at each other. They really both needed it.)

Kyon: Damn it Koi... Itsuki! Are you making bad moves on purpose to screw with us? ... Just take the tile, Haruhi.

Haruhi: I don't think it matters. (Takes tile).

(She was right. On my next turn, I won the round and we took the lead.)

Kyon: Damn it, when did... Itsuki become that good at Mahjong? With opponents like that...

Mikuru: Don't blame yourself too much. More tea?

Kyon: Yeah...

Haruhi: You're really good Kyon, with another partner you could totally win.

Kyon (relaxed after drinking tea): Hey, you just have the lowest score out of bad luck, that's all.

Haruhi: Luck is an important part of this game too. Damn, you're all in the tens of thousands and mine's not even 9000... I can't let this be my fault.

Me: Miss Suzumiya, don't be too harsh on... ... yourself.

Too little too late. We were in closed space now. A ruined, grey city stretched as far as the eye can see, and I instantly felt the presence of Shinjin a few kilometers away from us. This Closed Space was huge, and could quite well mean the end of the world.


	4. Chapter 4

Mikuru: Www-Where are we? What's happening to us?

(The sound of a collapsing high-rise building could be heard in the distance.)

Kyon: Koizumi, look at what you've done!

Koizumi: This is not Itsukis fault...

Kyon: Yes, I meant him. We should never have had a game like this!

Haruhi: This is just like that one time... (Turns away from Kyon, blushing)

Me: I didn't want to tell you, but... The truth is that Mahjong is often used by politicians to settle important matters. Miss Suzumiyas awakening Mahjong Powers have transported us to this special place that is used for such duels.

(Kyon muttered something, I'm pretty sure it must have been "Liar".)

Koizumi: It's the truth. I've been here quite often already. Don't worry, as long as you keep this to yourselves we won't have to kill you!

Mikuru: Kk-kill? I won't tell anyone, I promise!

Haruhi: ... I see. I knew I had some power in me! I won't let my teammate down! Just watch me!

Super-Mahjong Powers, awaken!

(Crack! The ground around her got damaged as a field of yellow energy formed around Miss Suzumiya.)

Koizumi: Could it be... the legendary Super-Kami?

Kyon: Something that's above gods? Don't tell me she's also a guru... Can't she hear us?

Me: No, I'm familiar with energy fields. The yellow ones are soundproof.

Koizumi: I'm not joking, Kyon. There's a story about a Goddess not aware of her own strength, but when she is pushed to her limits, she will become a being of ultimate Mahjong power.

Kyon: Now even the Prime Minister of my country calls me Kyon. And Haruhi is becoming aware of being a God. Great!

Koizumi: No, I'm quite sure that once the game is over, she will forget about her powers again. I believe in her case that would include the... closed space, is it? ... as well.

Mikuru: Hey, are her clothes...

(Yeah, this transformation sequence was definitely too sexy to be described here. At the end of it, Miss Suzumiya wore a black judo uniform, and her hair had turned into a long, spiky, golden-glowing ponytail.)

Haruhi: Kyon you pervert, why is your nose bleeding?

Kyon: Because I stood right next to you when you started randomly emitting energy shockwaves!

Yuki: Only the combination of sexual arousal and those shockwaves is enough to cause nosebleeds. One of those factors alone does not suffice.

(Her nose started bleeding a little.)

Haruhi: Well, I feel flattered by Mikurus nosebleed then, but the rest of you... You should be ashamed!

Koizumi: Being turned on by highschool girls in sailor uniforms is a traditional japanese virtue!

Haruhi: I... didn't have a sailor uniform during transformation!

Koizumi: Being turned on by highschool girls in no clothes at all is a traditional _international_ virtue!

Haruhi: I mean no disrespect, mister Prime Minister, but you're a perverted old man!

Koizumi: No offense taken.

Kyon: That ponytail looks... powerful. Nagato, what does your scouting say?

Yuki: The probability of her score being over 9000 after this round is zero.

Haruhi: YES! Attention Mahjong players! MY PONYTAIL GIVES ME SUPER STRENGTH!

... Kyon, stop staring like that. I knew you had a ponytail fetish, but at least _try_ to hide it.

Yuki: What is a...

Kyon: You don't want to know. And even someone without a fetish would be amazed by this. It freaking GLOWS!

Mikuru (still bleeding from her nose, while everyone else has stopped to): Yes, that's certainly true.

Haruhi: It's time to unleash my true potential!

Me: We have to hurry and finish this round before that.

(I discarded a tile. The two teams were now sitting on separate tables with a stretch of wasteland in between. The tile started slowly floating towards the other side, since the PM did not want it.)

Kyon (pointing at the flying tile dramatically): Haruhi, use energy beam on that tile!

Haruhi: I don't need _you_ to tell me that.

Kyon: Wait, I was just kidding...

Haruhi: KAAAAAA-MIIII... HAA-RU-HIII... HAAAAAA!

(There it was. An energy beam.)

Kyon: That was... super effective. You weren't kidding about the super strength.

Koizumi: Referee! That's cheating!

Yuki: The rules have changed in this world. The concept of cheating has ceased to exist.

Me: I see. In that case, I think since our side has less superpowers it would only be right for you to help us out a bit?

Kyon: Nagato...

Yuki (looking at Kyon): Sorry.

Kyon: ... yeah, I understand.

Yuki: It will not lessen our... friendship?

Kyon and Haruhi: Of course not!

Yuki: ... Thank you.

Kyon: Haruhi, use...

Haruhi: Enough with the Pokémon trainer stuff!

Kyon: Ok. Now that they're starting to cheat, we need to make sure they cannot win this turn no matter what they draw.

Haruhi: I'm not stupid, you idiot! KAAAAAA-MIIII...

(Miss Nagato started one of her incantations. If I remember correctly...)

... HAA-RU-HIII...

(Indeed. The protective forcefield.)

... HAAAAAA!

(The blast was scattered into smaller ones as it hit the barrier. Those smaller blasts shot all across the city, bringing down many of the already damaged buildings.)

Mikuru (taking cover behind a wall, whimpering): Uwaaaah!

Me: Miss Nagato, how much longer can you...

Yuki: 26 seconds.

Koizumi: We need to take our tiles behind cover!

(... There was no cover anywhere we could reach in 23 seconds.)

Koizumi: ... Damn.

Me (creating a red energy field around our table): We won't give up until the last second. There's too much at stake here.

Kyon (standing up): Hey Haruhi, this might be a little too much...

(Standing up while in the middle of a ricochet storm is a bad idea. Makes you a bigger target. A reflected beam shot right towards Kyon.)

Haruhi: Kyon!

(She teleported right in front of him and caught the energy beam with her bare hands. The force made her slide backwards into him and they were moved about twenty meters at a slow pace, with Kyon desperately clinging to Haruhi. Oh, and since the transformation sequence she had no shoes...)

Kyon: Haruhi! You...

(There was a trail of broken earth and blood leading up to her feet. Her hands were badly burned and she was panting with exhaustment.)

Kyon: Time out!

Haruhi: I'm sorry...

Me: Of course. We need to help her!

Miss Asahina fainted. I desperatly looked to Miss Nagato, but she had held that beam back for 25 seconds. She was on her knees and it looked like she wouldn't be able to move anytime soon.

Yuki (to me): Initiating recuperation. Please...

Me: I'll do whatever I can.

Kyon: We need to get to a doctor!

Haruhi (sitting down): I can cauterize it...

Kyon: Don't...

(She really used energy beams on her own feet to stop the bleeding.)

Haruhi (to Kyon): Stop... making a face like that. I can recover fast in this mode. We'll be back in this game in no time.

Kyon: You need to wash those wounds, at least.

Haruhi: I will. Could we just finish this round before that?

Me: You can't be serious.

Koizumi: I understand. You are truly an exceptional Mahjong player.

(I discarded a white tile. The PM used his Goumoupai technique to scratch off the picture of one of his tiles, and now had three whites. Since Miss Nagato had depleted her powers, that was all the cheating we could do right now.)

(During Miss Suzumiyas next turn, she won thanks to that one tile her energy beam had impressively changed into another one before.)

Haruhi (with a weak voice): Kyon, what does the scoreboard say?

Kyon (forcing a smile): It's over 9000! We are winning again!

(He started helping her into a nearby building, where Miss Asahina had found a working bathroom.)

Koizumi: This Mahjong set has two faulty tiles now, do you know where we could find replacements?

Haruhi (pointing at a building): I have a feeling there should be another set in there.

Me: Take good care of her, Kyon.

Kyon: I will.

(During the break Miss Nagato informed us that she could not regain full strength since the Data Integration Thought Entity has no control over Closed Space. It looked like we had to use _that_ plan, after all. The best way to beat a god in her own domain... But it would require me to take a risk.)

Me: Miss Nagato, the time for _it_ has arrived.

Yuki: Are you sure you want this?

Me: There is no other way.


	5. Chapter 5

When Miss Suzumiya left the building about ten minutes later, her hands and feet were bandaged and she needed no help from Kyon and Miss Asahina to walk.

Me: We don't have to continue. We can just call it a draw.

Haruhi: Nice try Itsuki. But we're winning! What kind of idiot would accept a draw when they can win?

Me: Very true.

Haruhi: I have an important annoncement to make. Listen up everyone!

(Everyone faced her and we braced ourselves for something possibly world-ending.)

Haruhi: Kyon is a foot-fetishist!

(One facepalm, two facepalms, three, four. Every listener except Miss Nagato did one.)

Kyon: Mister Prime Minister, if I have to date that girl could you teach me your facepalm technique? It looks really cool.

Koizumi: Of course. I see that you'll need it.

Haruhi: Hey, no talk of losing!

Me: Let's go. It's my turn to shuffle.

(I used the cheating techniques I had trained years for. There was no way they'd see through this...)

Haruhi: I didn't know you could cheat like this... I'm surprised, Itsuki.

Me: What... those eyes...

(Three black dots had appeared in her iris.)

Haruhi: Yes! It's the technique passed down among the super-kamis for generations! The Haru-Gan eyes! I can see all your moves, and copy them perfectly!

Fire Style - Goumoupai technique!

Me: Haru-Gan?

(Miss Nagato stood behind me and the PM. I had no idea if she had teleported there or just walked there really quietly without me noticing.)

Yuki (lowering her voice so Haruhi and Kyon cannot hear and turning away to prevent lip-reading): There is no prior data on this power. It is my belief she just made it up. It will probably be able to do whatever gives her an advantage and she thinks would look... cool.

Koizumi: Now this is getting out of control... From her enthusiastic Goumoupai usage, it looks like she's going for the ultimate cheater hand... all whites. Since while her fingers are fine, her palms are burned, there will be no more energy beams. Yuki, could you use your last power to make the next discarded tile resistant to Goumoupai?

Yuki: Yes.

Me: Excellent plan. This will at least buy us time to come up with something...

(We covered her from sight while she manipulated the tile. If Miss Suzumiya learned the secret of "Earth Style- Goumoupai proofing", all would be lost.)

Miss Suzumiya actually picked it up.

Haruhi: Ron! Fire Style - Goumoupai technique! All whites! Beginning of the... What? It didn't work?

Kyon: Hey, don't break your finger over this!

(Lines formed in Miss Suzumiyas eyes, connecting the three dots to a triangle.)

Haruhi: Haru-Terasu!

(The picture burned off the tile.)

Kyon (practicing his facepalm technique): Look I knew your stares can be very threatening, but setting things on fire by looking at them? That makes absolutely no sense...

Haruhi: Who's side are you on, anyway?

Kyon: Don't let this power corrupt you. I won't be able to properly enjoy not dating you if you fall to the dark side.

Haruhi: Yeah ok... But we win this round, right?

Kyon: Yes.

Me: Your turn to shuffle next, Miss Suzumiya...

Haruhi: This Technique has been passed down in the Koizumi family for generations. And now I copied it! Wind Style - Cheating shuffle!

Me (forming a ball of red energy in my hand): You're not the only one who can learn from your enemies!

Koizumi-Douken!

(I was lucky and almost had a winning hand right from the start. Using an energy beam, I turned it into an actual winning hand. The score difference was still minimal, and we went into the final round.)

Mikuru (traumatized from the last energy beam disaster, taking cover again): Waah!

(Miss Suzumiya changed the tiles in Kyons hand with the bullshit powers of her magical eyes...)

Koizumi: Why not her own hand? Could it be...?

Me: What are you talking about? Koizumi-Douken!

(As I tried to change Kyons - most likely winning - hand...)

(The lines in Miss Suzumiyas eyes folded together, forming a windmill-wheel shape.)

Haruhi: Haruhi'O!

(A Shinjin appeared around their side of the table, containing them within its body and shielding them from my attack.)

Kyon: Now you're literally just pulling things out of your... eyes.

Haruhi: There's more where that came from. The Haruhi'O holds the sword Kusanagi that can manipulate the wind and carve Mahjong tiles from a distance, and the Yata Mirror that allows me to see everyone's hands!

Kyon: You're forgetting Yasakani no Magatama that grants benevolence... Oh yeah, would make sense that you don't have _that_.

(Great. God was going mad with power... But why hasn't she finished it already?)

Haruhi (with over-the top gestures): I draw! And discard!

(She discarded a Pāsou tile.)

(... Now it all makes sense.)

Kyon: ...

... Haruhi, do you really want to win this? You haven't really gone mad with power, have you? No sane human would make up magical eyes like that, and I know you're still sane.

Haruhi: ...

Kyon: If I hadn't seen through this, I would now hug you and tell you it's enough...

Haruhi: ... I should just have... sorry, Kyon.

Kyon: I was just as much of an Idiot as you are. And you got hurt because of it...

(He revealed his hand to all of us: He had triplets of all four winds.)

(If he'd take the discarded tile, they would win the match with the "She is not my Girlfriend" attack. Not that it matters at this point. This game has never really been about winning or losing.)

Haruhi: It's... your decision. I'll understand if you can't forgive me.

Kyon: I really do have a ponytail fetish, you know... maybe you're right about the foot fetish, too. And some of my classmates tease me about having a thing for "weird girls". Looks like that's also true. But, this is not about fetishes or physical attraction.

I love you, Haruhi.

I should have admitted that to you - no to myself - much sooner...

Haruhi (having instantly returned to normal mode, holding back tears): I love you too, Kyon.

Kyon: Making people promise to not call us a cute couple now that we are a couple would be really strange... I mean you alone are cute enough for both of us...

Haruhi: Well... as I said, I think I can manage to survive three dates, so that should be ok...

Kyon: We... surrender.

Yuki (to Haruhi): Your confirmation?

Haruhi: Yes.

Yuki: The winners are Junichiro Koizumi and Itsuki Koizumi.

Mikuru (breaking out into tears): This was beatiful! I'm so happy for you.

Koizumi: Good Job, Itsuki. I'm proud of you!

Me: We win. Exactly as planned.

Kyon: Did you plan this from the start?

Me: Well, the only way to beat a god that I know of is if the god loses on purpose... We didn't account for moving into closed space, but when things got really serious, I had Miss Nagato erase my memory of this very plan to keep my soft heart from hindering my ability to serve as a villain that you can unite to beat. I could have used the Koizumi-Ken as soon as we got transferred here. But I held it back until Miss Suzumiya just needed a little push to go over the edge. This is where I counted on you, Kyon, to save the day.

Haruhi: Kyon, our first kiss...

Kyon: Yeah, that... wasn't a dream. But it's been too long.

(As they kissed, the closed space disappeared and we were standing around a mundane Mahjong table again.)

Kyon: You're... probably not interested in _ordinary_ dates, right?

Haruhi: If it's you it's ok. Prime Minister, I bet you know about some cool places with unexplained Mysteries, right?

Koizumi: Of course. I have authority, I can _order_ people to tell me interesting things. I'll mail you a list of nice spots later.

Haruhi: I wonder how a normal Mahjong could change our lives like that. But I'm sure glad. (Forcefully hugging Kyon and nibbling on his ear) I'll have fun with this guy!

(So it's true. If Super-Kami mode ends, the Kami forgets their own powers again.)

Kyon: You have way weirder fetishes than me.

Mikuru: I feel bad for you...

Haruhi: Don't think you're safe. Of all the Brigade Members, Kyon seems to be the one resisting me the most, so I might not get to do everything I want. Besides, he doesn't have the figure for maid outfits and such...

Mikuru (hiding behind the PM): I'm sure we have laws protecting me, right?

Koizumi: This is Japan! Not only do we have no laws against any girl-on-girl action, the school you go to is under the official quota for it! So you better get to it right now.

Mikuru: I want to go back to my timepl... I just want to go home!

Kyon (giving her a thumbs up): Don't worry, I'll avenge you. I'm physically stronger than Haruhi, so...

Haruhi: Hey! There are laws against...

Koizumi: Nope.

Haruhi (_very_ evil grin): Kyon, instead of doing those things to each other, how about we just both do them to Mikuru?

Me: All is well that ends with sex jokes*.

* * *

><p>*Unless you are a Moe Character, obviously.<p> 


End file.
